Building Selfish Boundaries in Relationships

Millions of people rave about the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Promoted as Christian, these books have done enormous damage to Christian families.

I’ve sometimes thought the Boundaries books would be a good material to use in seminary classes to teach eisegesis. Eisegesis is a false method where a person starts with a human belief and tries to find Scriptures to fit the belief. 

In contrast, exegesis, a true method of Bible study, starts with what Scripture teaches and develops beliefs based on God’s Word.

While boundaries can be appropriate when there is actual physical or sexual abuse, the majority of content in Boundaries books is about normal relationship problems. Perhaps 10-15% of the Scriptures they use are accurately applied, while 85-90% are misused to support modern victimhood psychology, a teaching that contradicts Scripture and keeps people from developing mature people skills. 

From my research, this is how I would sum up the basic concepts behind most of the Boundaries teachings:

Instead of acting like an adult, fairly evaluating situations, taking responsibility for your sins, and seeking reconciliation, consider yourself a victim and simply cut off people who don't do exactly what you want them to do, especially your parents. And to make your estrangement sound reasonable, exaggerate the problems by calling people toxic, unsafe, and abusive. 

The Boundaries books appeal to our fallen human nature which accounts for their popularity. Boundaries concepts contradict many passages in Scripture to include the whole chapter of Romans 12 (full text below).*

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For more on this important subject, see Boundaries versus Guidelines and Speak Your Mind Even if You Lose Your Marriage.

Read the chapter below and consider how many ways it contradicts cutting off family members who are annoying, difficult, or simply normal, imperfect human beings.

Romans 12: Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: 

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

Genesis 50/20 Eyesight

I love the story of Joseph. It's a wonderful comfort when I'm struggling with painful difficulties. It highlights God's amazing Romans 8:28 ability to use other people's sins to prosper our souls.

God doesn't tempt anyone to sin (James 1:13), but He's able to use sin for good. 

Of course, growth often comes with pain—Joseph's brothers and Potiphar's wife caused Joseph great suffering. But God used their sins to bring Joseph to the right place, the right time, and the right perspective so he could help countless others. 

He gave Joseph Genesis 50/20 eyesight:

When Joseph's brothers were fearful he would take revenge for the evil things they'd done, Joseph said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

Recently, God showed me He'd done this very thing in my life—the sins of another person have left their painful mark on my heart. But I've experienced growth in my walk because of them, and they've opened doors of opportunity for me to minister to others (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

Has God used other people's sins to bring you to a better place? Have you found peace in a Genesis 50:20 perspective?

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For more on this important subject, see Rejected by the Majority and Renewed Eyes.

 

💙 Free Subscription to 1-Minute Bible Love Notes. Have a one-minute devotion like this one delivered to your email each weekday.

💙 10 Reasons You'll Love the Book Wisdom for Life. A collection of 100 one-minute devotions from Psalms and Proverbs and a great gift for people who love God's Word.

💙 Full Description of the Book Lies in Disguise. A much-needed book to uncover half-truths that misuse Scripture and weaken Christian faith.

  

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A Gracious, Salty Answer to a Hard Question

How do we answer questions unbelievers ask about culturally accepted sins? Colossians 4:6 tells us to respond with grace and salt (truth):

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

How might we answer if a non-Christian asks, “What do you think about gays?”

We need to let God’s Spirit lead us, but our first response could be, “Why do you ask?” This will give us an understanding of the reason the person is asking and can help us answer more effectively. See Jesus Asked Questions and Understanding Why Jesus Asked Questions.

If someone asked me this question and said they wanted to understand why I can believe in a God who condemns people just because they love someone who’s their own gender, here’s my possible answer:

“I don’t pretend to fully understand the things in a person’s life that lead them to a gay lifestyle, and it breaks my heart to know that some who choose that lifestyle do so because they were sexually abused in childhood. But I believe God, as our loving Creator, knows what is best for us. His commands against homosexuality, just like His other commands, are lovingly designed to keep us from damaging our souls.” 

If this person is open, they may ask other questions or share personal stories, giving us further opportunities to help them understand God’s grace and truth.

If they become angry or rude, it’s likely that they aren’t open, no matter what we say. See When Is a Question Not Really a Question?

It's wise to prepare for questions about God and His commands, but we also must let God's Spirit guide us in each situation.

 

Free Subscription to 1-Minute Bible Love Notes. Have a one-minute devotion like this one delivered to your email each weekday.

10 Reasons You'll Love the Book Wisdom for Life. A collection of 100 one-minute devotions from Psalms and Proverbs and a great gift for people who love God's Word.

Full Description of the Book Lies in Disguise. A much-needed book to uncover half-truths that misuse Scripture and weaken Christian faith.

  

 

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How Do We Answer a Question with Grace and Salt?

A Christian friend told me her non-Christian co-worker asked what she thought of gays. She wasn’t sure how to answer, so she said, “I love them.”
 

Afterwards, she wished she'd been better prepared. Few Christians (including me) think through the best way to answer questions like these, but we should.
 

My friend’s answer wasn’t wrong, but neither was it right. Let’s unpack what Scripture says about answering questions about our faith.
 

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  Colossians 4:5-6
 

1. We need to know what God's Word teaches.
 

2. We need to see such questions as opportunities to share Christ.
 

3. We need to be gracious, not rude or sarcastic.
 

4. We need to be unafraid to share hard truths. The salt of the gospel flavors and preserves our lives. Matthew 5:13 says we are the salt of the earth. 
 

If we refuse to share unpopular biblical truths, we aren't preserving the truth—we're offering an artificially flavored gospel.

 

John 1:17 says, “Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” Christ brought in the New Covenant that is based on both grace and truth. 
 

So how should we answer the question my friend was asked? With this foundation, I offer a possible answer in A Gracious, Salty Answer to a Hard Question.

 For more insights on being salt, see:

 Are You Sugar & Shadows or Salt & Light? and Seasoned with Salt.

And please check out this helpful resource: Full description of the book Lies in Disguise. It's a much-needed book to uncover half-truths that misuse Scripture and weaken Christian faith.

 

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Blessed Music Brings Joy to All Ages — Part 2

These songs we sang in children's Sunday school have messages we need to sing as adults, bringing us joy and sweet memories today!

Simple, Profound, True
Simple enough for a child to understand, profound enough for a theologian. This one-minute devotion explains the story behind one of the most popular Christian songs of all time.

Don't Let the Darkness Scare You!
This children's song has a powerful message that we need to remember during these dark times.

Rise and Shine: 6 Ways to Start Your Day with Jesus 
Why not focus on Jesus as soon as you wake up? This one-minute devotion offers six ideas for waking up in a "Jesus mood."

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For more one-minute devotions on music, see:

Blessed Music Never Grows Old — Part 1

Don't Be Taken in by Cain or Mamdani

You can also watch/listen to this devotion on YouTube: Cain or Mamdani.

Today's devotion is longer than one minute, but I think it's very important that we recognize how Islam mocks our God, our faith, and humanity in general. And I think it's important that we clearly understand the vengeful Muslim attack on America on September 11, 2001.

When God confronted Cain for the murder of his brother, Cain whined about his punishment, saying, “My punishment is more than I can bear” (Genesis 4:6-14). He showed no sorrow for cruelly murdering his innocent, God-honoring brother Abel.

I was reminded of this attitude when New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani talked last year about Islamophobia (source). But before explaining what I mean, let me give you this background:

Mamdani took his oath of office on the Quran, the Muslim holy book, which says things such as this: 

“Slay the idolaters wherever ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then leave their way free. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful” (Quran).

Allah's definition of forgiveness and mercy is not at all like the true God's definition. Jesus tells us to love our enemies; Allah tells his followers to kill them. And Allah's enemies are all non-Muslims, especially Christians and Jews. See Jesus Versus Muhammad.

Those who executed 9/11 twenty-five years ago were being faithful to Allah, as many Muslims have been throughout history.

So how did Mamdani resemble Cain when he spoke about Islamophobia last year? He brought up 9/11 without mentioning the 2,976 people brutally murdered by Muslims who were following Allah's commands in the Quran. Nor did he mention the thousands injured and the continuing deaths due to toxic chemicals in the dust that covered New York City for months afterwards. (source)

Nor did he admit that the terrorists were emulating the life of his prophet Muhammad. See Remembering the spirit behind 911.  

Instead, he talked of his aunt after 9/11 getting a dirty look on the subway for wearing her hijab, and he acted as if Muslims are the most mistreated people on earth. 

Mamdani appeared to be shedding tears about his aunt's dirty looks, and it was later revealed that he had no aunts living in America during 9/11. (source)

Mamdani is a practicing Muslim, a believer in the Muslim “holy book,” the Quran, which “is replete with explicit and implicit sanction and promotion of armed conflict, violence, and bloodshed by Muslims” against non-Muslims (source). He chose to place his hand on the Quran when he was sworn into office as Mayor of New York City, an act which means his god is the ultimate witness of his truthfulness.

But here's the rub: according to the Quran, “Muslims who closely observe sharia law, which splits the world into two perpetually warring halves, will always have a ‘divinely sanctioned’ right to deceive, until ‘all chaos ceases, and all religion belongs to Allah’” (Quran 8:39). (source)  

Deception is approved in Islam when dealing with non-Muslims. 

The only reason logical people defend Islam is that “the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4).

Islam is a religion inspired by hatred, and it also teaches abuse and inferiority of women.

Hatred of the Jews (which many Muslims support) is a far greater problem than Islamophobia:

According to the FBI stats in 2016 regarding religiously inspired crimes, 54.4% were against Jews and 24.5% were against Muslims. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) reports that in the three months after Hamas started the war in October 2023, “antisemitic incidents in the U.S. skyrocketed by 361%” (source). Anti-Christian hatred is also on the rise coming from the radical left (source). 

According to USA Facts, hate crimes doubled from 2015 to 2024. “Out of 2,982 reported religion hate crimes, 2,080 were anti-Jewish — more than double all other religiously motivated crimes combined. In ten years, anti-Jewish hate crimes more than tripled. Anti-Islamic (or Muslim) crimes were the second-most common religion-based hate crime, accounting for 9% [268] of the total.”  

Mamdani mentioned Islamophobia but failed to mention anti-Jewish violence, which is more than ten times worse! 

Open Doors works with the persecuted Christian church, and they have a list showing the top ten countries with the worst persecution of Christians in the world. Islamic oppression is the cause of persecution in the majority of those countries.

And Islamic persecution is some of the cruelest. They not only kill Christians and confiscate their property, but they're known for torturing, mutilating, raping, decapitating, and burning our Christian brothers and sisters to death.  

There are peaceful Muslims, but they have put their faith in a religion that promotes evil and deception. 

Let's pray for Mamdani and other Muslims that they will find Christ, and let's refuse Cain-like rhetoric that ignores cruelty and dwells on self-pity (1 John 3:12). 

Islam is the enemy of the true and living God. Let 9/11 remind us to pray for those deceived by Islam, the friends and families of those killed by Muslim violence on September 11, 2001, and our Christian brothers and sisters who are persecuted by Muslims all over the globe.

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✔ If you've heard the claims that Christianity is just as violent as Islam, see:

Were Old Testament Wars the Same as Muslim Jihad? 

Half-Truths About the Crusades 

When People Think They Can Judge God, but God Can't Judge Them 

Genocide in the Bible? 

Is Islam a Religion of Peace?

 ✔ If you've heard that Muslims believe in Jesus, see Why Muslims Can’t Believe Jesus Was a Prophet. 

Open Doors: Top Ten Countries Responsible for Persecution and Killing of Christians 

1 - North Korea - Communist and post-Communist oppression    
2 - Somalia - Islamic oppression    
3 - Yemen - Islamic oppression    
4 - Sudan - Islamic oppression    
5 - Eritrea - Dictatorial paranoia (a Muslim country)  

6 - Syria - Dictatorial paranoia (a Muslim country)

7 - Nigeria - Islamic oppression 

8 - Pakistan - Islamic oppression 

9 -  Libya - Islamic oppression   
10 - Iran - Islamic oppression    

 

The links on each country name lead to a page explaining the type of persecution and how you can pray for your brothers and sisters in Christ. 

In New York City in 2023 (the latest stats I could find): 

There were 477 anti-Jewish hate crimes and 37 anti-Muslim hate crimes. Yet we constantly hear that Muslims are being mistreated while hatred of Jews goes largely unnoticed. (NY State Comptroller)

Picture of Mamdani on my images: Dmitryshein

 

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5 Truths to Help Us Deal with Slander

Slander...

An angry church member spreads a half-truth, a loved one blows something out of proportion, a stubborn neighbor refuses our valid explanation, a jealous co-worker exaggerates our mistake. 

Most of us will be misunderstood or maligned at some point in our lives. So what do we do when people refuse to hear the truth and choose to believe the lie? 

In Psalm 62, David talks of those who “delight in telling lies about me. They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts.” He finds peace in these truths: 

1. God alone is our comfort and peace.
“In God alone my soul finds rest” (verse 1, BSB).

Sometimes God allows these situations so we'll learn He is enough!

 

2. God alone judges hearts. 

“My salvation and my honor depend on God” (verse 7).
Men may honor bad people and revile good people. Ultimately, our honor depends on God, not man.

3. God alone can be trusted. 
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (verse 8).

 

4. God alone gives perfect justice.
“You reward everyone according to what they have done” (verse 12).

 

5. God alone can use slander for our good.

“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). 

If you've been slandered, seek the Lord's comfort and let your soul find rest in God alone!

 

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For more comfort and encouragement, see Jesus Feels Our Pain and 8 Steps to Overcome Bitterness.

 

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Wishful Thinking or Biblical Truth?

Let’s address a common misunderstanding based on wishful thinking, but first, read these verses and absorb the meaning:

1 John 3:6: “No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.”

1 John 5:18: “We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin…”

Romans 6:1-2: “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?”

1 John 2:4: “Whoever says, ‘I know him,’ but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person.”

1 John 1:6: “If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.”

Hebrews 10:26: “Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins.”

I often hear Christians say a loved one is saved because they prayed to receive Christ and were baptized, even though they’re living an ungodly life. 

Instead of trying to convince ourselves this is true, we should be doing our best to warn such people that “the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power” (1 Corinthians 4:20).

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I also encourage you to read Why Salvation Always Leads to Good Works and Why Salvation Requires Repentance. 

 

Warning: A reader recently brought to my attention a ministry called Grace Evangelical Society that teaches the heresy that you can be a believer saved for eternity even if you never obey, never show sorrow for your sins, and never submit to the Lordship of Christ. In seminary, I wrote a report for one of my theology classes on Zane Hodges. He taught this strange belief. Hodges is praised by GES ministries for his impact. I share this in a one-minute video HERE.

If the passages above were not enough to convince you that genuine salvation always involves a changed life, please read on:

John 14:21: “Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

1 John 2:3 (BSB): “By this we can be sure that we have come to know Him: if we keep His commandments.”

John 15:10:  “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.”

James 2:14-24: “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. 18 But someone will say, ‘You have faith; I have deeds.’ Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. 20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21 Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,’ and he was called God’s friend. 24 You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.”

 

 

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7 Things We Learn From Acts 8:26-39

In Acts 8:26-39, when Philip speaks with the Ethiopian eunuch, God highlights these truths:

1. The gospel is for all nations and races. 

This conversion of a black foreigner proved to the early church that everyone is equal in the kingdom of God. Revelation 5:9-10

If you read all of Acts, you will find that accepting non-Jews into the faith was a hard truth for the Jews to accept, even some of the apostles. See Galatians 2. 

2. The gospel is for all classes of people. 

The Ethiopian was  “important,” a high official in the Ethiopian government (v. 27). Sometimes we concentrate on the poor and needy; but rich, important people also need Jesus. 1 Timothy 6:17-19

3. Without God's Spirit, Scripture is hard to understand (vv. 30-31). 
1 Corinthians 2:14; John 14:26

4. Both the Old and New Testaments are about Jesus. 

Philip started in the Old Testament to explain Jesus (vv. 32-35), just as Jesus did in Luke 24:27.

5. Sincere seekers find Jesus. 

The Ethiopian wanted to know the truth. Jeremiah 29:13
 
6. Genuine conversion is more than words. 

The Ethiopian wanted to be baptized immediately (v. 36). 1 Thessalonians 1:4-10

7. Knowing Jesus brings joy.   

The Ethiopian “went on his way rejoicing” (v. 39). John 15:10-11

What a truth-packed story from God's Word!

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I hope you'll take time to read Why I Must Speak Up. It shares my heartfelt concerns about racial attitudes in our world.

To do a short Bible study on this passage check out today's Bite Size Bible Study. This study has the full text of this wonderful Bible story with additional insights. And it explains why Acts 8:37 is omitted in newer translations of the Bible. 

Image from La Vista Church

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Who Ate the Snakes?

Second Timothy 3 addresses false teachers. Verse 8 says, “Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected.” 

We know Paul is referring to the two magicians in Exodus 7:11 even though the names Jannes and Jambres aren't found in Exodus. But they’re found in various Jewish historical writings such as the Talmud. In Exodus 7, Aaron miraculously turns his staff into a snake to prove to the Pharaoh that the Israelites had a powerful God who demanded that Pharaoh set His people free from Egyptian slavery. Jannes and Jambres duplicated the miracle, but their victory was short-lived when Aaron’s snake swallowed both of theirs (Exodus 7). 

Why is this important to know? 

It’s good to know who Paul refers to in this verse. But more importantly, it gives us confidence in the validity and trustworthiness of God’s Word.

The Bible is supported in history, archaeology, and literature. 

There are more manuscript copies and more historical evidence for the Bible than any other document in the history of the world! (source)
 

If 40 human authors wrote about something over a span of 2000 years, there would be tons of contradictions, but the divinely inspired Bible authors don’t contradict each other. Compare this to the Quran, which was dictated by only one man, Muhammad, and completed in 23 years. It contains multiple contradictions (Contradictions in the Quran).*

 
So when you read about Jannes and Jambres, remember how interesting and trustworthy Scripture is! 

 

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For more encouragement about God's Word, see Believing God's Word Is Inerrant and Count on It!

What is the Talmud? “Christianity does not consider the Talmud to be inspired in the same sense that the 66 books of the biblical canon are ‘God breathed’ (2 Timothy 3:16). While some of the teachings from the Talmud may be ‘compatible’ with biblical teachings, the same can be said for many different writings from many different religions. For the Christian, the study of the Talmud can be a great way to learn more about Jewish tradition, history, and interpretation, but the Talmud is not to be considered the authoritative Word of God.” 

 

For more study: Is the Bible truly God’s Word? 

 

*Many Muslim resources seek to explain away these contradictions as well as the hate promoted in the Quran, but the evidence in the Quran refutes their propaganda.  

💙 Free Subscription to 1-Minute Bible Love Notes. Have a one-minute devotion like this one delivered to your email each weekday.

💙 10 Reasons You'll Love the book Wisdom for Life. A collection of 100 one-minute devotions from Psalms and Proverbs and a great gift for people who love God's Word.

💙 Full description of the book Lies in Disguise. A much needed book to uncover half-truths that misuse Scripture and weaken Christian faith. 

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