Joseph had the ultimate dysfunctional family: incest, jealousy, favoritism, brothers from different mothers, etc. (See Bad Blood.)
If he'd followed some of the modern "Christian" teachings, he’d have set up boundaries with toxic family members, taken “ownership” of his life, and surrounded himself with “safe” relationships.
Instead, Joseph's wicked brothers set up the boundaries — and Joseph trusted God.
Scripture tells us to bless those who persecute us, living in harmony, carefully doing what is right in the eyes of everyone, pursuing peace, and overcoming evil with good (Romans 12:14-21).
We can choose our friends, but God chooses our family members, even the annoying ones.
Joseph's difficulties helped him mature, gain strength in the Lord, and fulfill God's purposes (James 1:2-3; James 1:12; Ephesians 2:10).
He developed an incredible ability to forgive and amazing perseverance. So great was his faith that he could say to those who'd tried to kill him:
“Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:19-20
Genesis 50:20 is the Romans 8:28 of the Old Testament.
The choice is ours: we can play god and avoid difficult family relationships, or we can grow up in our faith.
See also Genesis 45:3-15.
Note: Please don't miss the point. It's right to protect ourselves from physical danger, and we should not enable someone's addictions or take part in ungodly activities. But it's not right to protect ourselves from difficult family relationships, a teaching made popular by Henry Cloud's Boundaries. Let Joseph inspire you to persevere in difficult relationships. Why not take time to study these 1-minute devotions about Joseph. You might want to do it with your prayer partner or small group: Joseph.
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Bible Love Notes
Hmmm... It seems to me that you are confusing setting boundaries with cutting people off or ending a relationship. I think there is Biblical precedent for setting healthy boundaries with family members. There is even precedent for cutting those family members off to a certain degree if they continue to persist in damaging actions or interfering with one's mission. This doesn't mean you stop loving or caring about them, though. (See
ReplyDeleteMatthew 12:46-50, Mark 10:29-30)
God is able to work good from evil in miraculous ways. This hardly means that we should allow evil that grace should abound, or let a laissez faire attitude towards abusive family members to be a model.
Yes, there is something to be said for trusting God. But there's a big difference between trusting God and taking a passive attitude towards abuse. Boundaries are important, and setting them often improves relationships in the long run.
Hi Daniel,
DeleteNo, I'm not confusing boundaries with cutting people off or ending a relationship although I know of several cases personally where that is the result of selfish boundaries placed on family members.
I've thoroughly studied the Boundaries teachings. And while they rarely talk of completely cutting people off, they do encourage limiting your access to people to keep yourself "safe" and to take "ownership" of your life in ways not prescribed in Scripture. Very little of their teachings are based on open discussion, mutual agreements, give and take, or self-examination (Philippians 2:1-5).
They pretty much start with the notion that anyone reading their materials is a good guy surrounded by bad guys. They emphasize "taking control of your life" and putting others outside your fence. That’s much easier than persevering through messy discussions and being open to hear the complaints of others, giving people the benefit of the doubt and seeing ways we might improve the relationship so it’s mutually comfortable. From my study of Boundaries, it might better be called “Ultimatums” because it encourages us to tell people they can do it my way or not at all. This isn’t good advice for friendships but is especially damaging when it affects family relationships.
You talk of taking a "passive attitude towards abuse"
This is another method I’ve seen used by Boundaries. It’ either heaven or hell, abuse or boundaries. Yes, as I've written in my devotion, boundaries are appropriate for situations of physical abuse, and some “boundaries” are appropriate for parents dealing with children who live at home. But the majority of Boundaries teachings are applied to annoying adult family members, people who don’t make us feel good about ourselves. We either continue to let them beat us up or we give them ultimatums. I don't see either choice as biblical. We mature as we learn to work through differences, not by ignoring or avoiding them. And if we think that most people in this world are the bad guys and we are the good guys, we have a real problem.
Are there some relationships that are totally one-sided with one person being godly and loving and the other mean and ungodly? Yes, but they are extremely rare. In most relationships, we learn give and take, we consider what’s important to the other person and let them know what’s important to us.
I appreciate these Scriptures you’ve offered from the Boundaries teachings so I can address them specifically. I realize how persuasive Boundaries teachings can be when they use multiple Scripture like these to justify their points. I will discuss them in another comment since my blog only allows a certain number of characters in each comment. And I thank you for this opportunity to clarify these points.
DeleteThese examples you offer from Boundaries teachings, are what is called “eisegesis” which means starting with a concept and imposing a pre-conceived and incorrect interpretations on a passage of Scripture. In contrast, Bible scholars use what is called “exegesis” which starts with Scripture and finds what it actually teaches.
So let’s look at these two examples:
In Matthew 12:46-50 the sinless Jesus who knows every thought and motive of every heart is in the midst of explaining to Pharisees why he has just cast out demons. His family wants to talk to him and he explains that He is ministering to His larger “family” and he makes them wait.
If you are in the midst of casting out demons and explaining your actions to church officials and your mother asks to talk to you, you can use this example to make her wait. But it does not support limiting your interaction with family members on a regular basis or long-term basis.
Boundaries teachers claim Christ as an example of someone who set boundaries, but they always overlook the most important aspect of Christ’s mission and character. He didn’t take “ownership” of His life and stay “safe” as Boundaries teachers recommend. He took on your sins and mine…..sins He never committed….sins against Him and against His holy commands, against everything He holds dear. And He came outside His “boundaries” to die for you and me while we were yet sinful and unrepentant. Philippians 2.
It borders on mockery for Boundaries teachers to use Christ as an example of someone who limits access to family members who are annoying, negative, or bothersome.
Regarding Mark 10:29-30: if God has called you to give up home, family, career, and inheritance to share the Gospel in another location, you must do it even if family members object. But you don’t refuse to listen to their concerns or limit their access in your life because they don’t agree with you. You continue to love them and you graciously explain why you must leave. Again, this passage has absolutely nothing to do with placing boundaries around annoying family members.
I do appreciate you offering these examples. I have found this type of the eisegesis throughout the Boundaries teachings. If you or anyone who reads this comment would like to see more on how Boundaries misuses Scripture passages, please click “boundaries” in the second paragraph of this devotion. It will take you to a collection of articles I’ve written about Boundaries.
My desire is to warn people about the Boundaries teaching and encourage them to do what Scripture actually teaches: not to passively accept everything, nor to cut people off, nor to give people ultimatums. But to forgive, persevere, seek peace and reconciliation, do to others as we’d have them do to us, and examine our own attitudes and actions. Even if things don’t improve in our relationships, we will become stronger and more like Christ.
Isn't guarding our heart a type of boundary?
ReplyDeleteThanks, Unknown, for this opportunity to address one of the passages that Cloud and Townsend use to justify boundaries.
DeleteAs I explained in a previous comment, most of the Scriptures they use (misuse) are a form of “eisegesis” which means starting with a concept and imposing a pre-conceived and incorrect interpretations on a passage of Scripture.
Proverbs 4:23 warns us to avoid influences that tempt us to do the wrong things. It sometimes applies to relationships. For example, Christian singles guard their hearts by refusing to date non-Christians and refusing to get involved in sexual relationships. But that is not the focus of Boundaries teaching. Their focus is avoiding difficult or annoying people, anyone who doesn't make us feel good about ourselves. And that is definitely not the message of Proverbs 4:23 or any other passage of Scripture.
What about family members who don't believe in Jesus and mock Him. And some of my family members drink. I think having some type of boundary would be good.
ReplyDeleteJesus says we should rejoice when people mock us and insult us for His Name:
Delete1 Peter 4:14: If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
Boundaries teaches us to be "safe."
Jesus teaches us to be faithful.
What do you think would win more hearts: responding lovingly to mockery, explaining how much you love the Lord and showing kindness despite their unkind words ..... OR placing boundaries around people so you don't need to interact with them?
Obviously, if these family members never talk about anything else and spend their whole time mocking Jesus, then you could spend shorter times with them, but we are supposed to be interacting with unbelievers.
We live in a world where most people mock Christ one way or another, and He gives us strength to stand firm in love.
As for drinking: there is no reason to cut off relationship with people who don't have the same views we have about drinking or smoking, whether Christian or non-Christian. If you are talking about drunkenness, it would be totally appropriate to leave if people are getting drunk at a family event. But that still doesn't qualify as a "boundary."
As I said in the devotion, I'm not talking about accepting abuse. I'm talking about seeking peace, working toward reconciliation, forgiving people and treating them kindly when they treat you unkindly. That's Scripture. Romans 12 is a good passage that covers all of these things.
1 Corinthians 5:9-12 says this: "I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a [Christian] brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?"
I have witnessed this in many families as well. Even Christian families, grand parents, cousins, aunts & uncles and friends simply cut off or "canceled" because the person does not "feel" safe, validated, or supported for "who they are"! This misuse of Scripture and even words is rampant in our culture and sadly believers have selfishly swallowed the lie! The enemy loves to further the destruction of the family and break up relationships!
ReplyDeleteI love your summary Gail:
"Boundaries teaches us to be "safe". Jesus teaches us to be faithful.
God is really using you to wake up, especially, the female Christian community!
Thank you for being faithful!
Thanks, Gretchen, for your insights and encouragement.
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