Is All Conflict Bad?

Is arguing a sign of a bad marriage?    

It depends what we mean by arguing. 

There's nothing wrong with disagreement. In fact, it's healthy.  As the old adage goes: “If the two of you agree on everything, then one of you is unnecessary.” 😊

It’s natural and healthy to have differences of opinion and even have heated discussions from time to time. But healthy marriages resolve the these differences in healthy ways. 

Please note I said RESOLVE. 

I've been married since 1970, and from my experience and the experience of other Christians I know, very few married couples always handle their differences maturely.

Marriage is 24/7 and that means we sometimes disagree when we’re tired, sleepy, passionate, hormonal, upset, discouraged, sick, etc. If we expect all conflict in our marriage to be mature, healthy, and kind, we’re going to be disappointed. 

Healthy marriages exist because spouses don't give up when things get "messy," and because they give each other lots of grace and forgiveness.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

We should strive to argue constructively and show self-control during disagreements, making it a matter of prayer to: 

• Keeping our voice at a normal level.
• Not making broad generalizations (e.g. “You always disappoint me.”).
• Not bringing up unrelated grievances.
• Not hitting below the belt (saying things that we know will deeply hurt or agitate our spouse).

When we fail to do these things, we can learn from our mistakes and pray that we will do better next time. 

This is where the RESOLVE part comes in. When we've blown it, we should repent in healthy, constructive ways. See my post about How to Apologize if you’d like some extra help in this area. 

And here are some Scriptures to recite and memorize if you have difficulty "fighting fair":

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Caveat: If you have an anger problem—if you run off, throw things, hit, scream, cuss, etc., you need to be daily memorizing Scripture verses about overcoming anger, and you need to set up an accountability relationship. This kind of behavior shouldn’t be a part of arguments, even "messy" ones.  See Scriptures to Help You Conquer Anger and 5 Tips for Biblical Anger Management.

See also: 3 Major Reasons for Conflict 

This is one of my weekly marriage posts, but I post a 1-Minute devotion each weekday on my home page. If you'd like to subscribe, Please find out how easy it is here: subscribe. Thanks! Gail