Our marriages need to be balanced, but we often tend to one of two extremes: becoming too "couple-focused" or drifting apart.
Let's look at the selfish-focus first:
Did you know we can take Genesis 2:24 too far? It happens when we use this verse as an excuse to become "couple-selfish" or overly “couple-centered.”
Some signs that we're a selfish couple:
- We no longer have same-sex friendships and are jealous if our spouse does.
- We neglect parents, extended family, church and/or community relationships.
- We accommodate our spouse's selfishness, jealousy, and/or laziness.
- We always put our spouse’s desires above the needs and desires of others.
We must "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:1-2
If you realize you've become too couple-selfish in your marriage relationship, I encourage you to pray for God's help in overcoming that problem.
And that leads us to the second problem which is far more common: the problem of growing apart as a couple, finding less joy in our marriage relationship, and taking our spouse for granted.
If this is your problem, note the importance that God places on our marriage relationship and how it is tied to important concepts of our faith:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself… each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” from Ephesians 5:25-32
"For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands...Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." from 1 Peter 3:1-7
I also encourage you to read Shades of Gray Divorce which addresses the common problem of couples suffering an "emotional divorce."
Marriage allows us to bring a complimentary blend of masculine and feminine gifts to everything we do as a couple.
We can stay balanced if we put God first and seek His daily purposes and priorities in our lives and marriages. If your marriage is out of balance, I encourage you to seek God's help in placing it in proper priority.
This brings a flood of thoughts for me... You bring up some good points. Are we putting our marriage up like an 'idol' or are we using the gift God gave us (a solid relationship) as a tool in His hand... Hmmmmm.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this. My husband and I married young and have been married for 15 years. Our identities are completely entwined. I'm the introvert and he is the extrovert, so it can be hard for me to do things on my own. I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone this year by becoming more involved in the women's ministries at my church. Whenever I'm tempted to take too much pride in my super strong marriage or the deep and abiding love my husband and I share, or let it get in the way of being an individual servant to Christ, I read Paul's words regarding marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. Marriage, as wonderful and God-pleasing as it can be, can also be too easily made into an idol in our modern culture of Christianity.
ReplyDeleteIn Christ,
Melissa
Thanks for sharing your insights, Melissa. I can identify in some ways, Melissa, since I met my husband at 16, married him at 19, and that was 42 years ago. We really "grew up together." But there is nothing wrong with this entwined identity unless we make it exclusive and ignore the needs and desires of others.
DeleteI love my husband and really can say that he is my best friend. Although I have had wonderful friends in women, they move away, and are never there for me day in and day out. Who but my husband puts up with the idiosyncrasies of my personality over the years?? I really should email him and tell compliment him by telling him all this :-)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this post (I enjoyed it being a bit longer ;-) and appreciate you linking up with me over at WholeHearted Home this week. I am thankful that you take the time each week to linkup some of your posts from the week. Really.
This resonates with me in a huge way! We've been married for nearly 17 years. We have symptoms of a selfish couple. I am also a child of a family of six kids and have grown distant from them as well, even though we are only about an hour drive away from 4 of them. I know in my heart they need me as much as I need them. I want to fellowship more at church. Please pray for me.
ReplyDeleteThis was an excellent post! Balance is so important in every area of our lives. Thanks for challenging all of us to not forget to love and serve others as well as our husbands!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I notice is that I meet woman at church, but instead of wanting to be friends with me, they only want to be friends and do things as couples with my husband and I. My husband is introverted and puts forth a lot of physical and mental energy long hours at work. He wants me to have women friends to occasionally do things with, but he is not looking to spend every weekend hanging out with the woman and her husband. I often find that when the expectations of regular "double-dates" doesn't take place, the woman loses all interest in friendship with me as well. I wonder if any one else has had this happen. It seems all the women at my church are only looking for couple friends.
ReplyDeleteChrissy,
DeleteYou make a good point. I think lack of friendships is a major problem in our culture and in the Church. We are often more interested in television and internet time than developing real relationships with others even though we all need friendships for growth.
And I agree with you that we need same sex friendships, not just couple friendships. I've experienced difficulty in finding interested women at times myself. I encourage you to ask God to bring someone to mind who you might approach about getting together for prayer and fellowship. And you might even ask Him if there are any single women who you might connect with.
I think this is an important element of not being too couple-centered.
Thanks for sharing,
Gail
I always think when I read some thing like this there are couples who are left out & not considered. Looking at male & female roles so narrowly doesn’t fit some of us. When we married in our 30’s, we were both well educated professionals. I was not the “weaker” partner. I was pretty much equal in strength to my husband. That turned out to be a good thing when my husband had a major stroke only a year & one half after our marriage. We both loved & respected one another, but it was difficult having to take over all finances & become the major wage earner in my family. It was only with God’s help that I was able to manage that and try to make sure my husband felt involved & needed. However, it forever changed the dynamic between us. With God’s help we have managed & love each other even more than when we married 36 years ago. But we didn’t get help from scriptures telling me that I was the weaker partner or that I should submit to my husband in everything. Fortunately, God’s strength & love got me through & helped me to navigate uncertain waters. Please make room for couples who don’t fit a narrow mold; God does.
ReplyDeleteHi Lila,
DeleteI'm a bit confused that you read this article and what you got out of it was that you are supposed to be narrowly forced into some "weak" role in your marriage.
This post is about being a balanced couple, neither selfish and couple-centered nor distant and disconnected.
When you equate handling money and being the bread-winner with being the "stronger" partner, you are talking apples and oranges. I don't see what you are doing as violating Scriptural principles unless you are bossing your husband around. And that's not what you describe.
But my main point is this: this particular devotion isn't addressing that aspect of a marriage anyway.