Married But Acting Single

Married people should quit acting like they're single
My husband lettered in golf in high school and went to the CO State finals his senior year. When we were first married, he liked to spend quite a bit of time on the golf course. In this area of his life, he still saw himself as a single man without marriage and family responsibilities.

But when we had children I asked him to quit playing golf on Saturdays. After being the primary care-giver to our small children all week, I wanted my husband around on weekends. I felt it was important for our relationship and for our family.

My husband agreed because he loves me, but I knew he missed the golf course. Then, one Friday afternoon many months later, we both had an “ah-ha” moment: I suggested he play golf that Saturday. It was my “gift” to him. But he surprised me by saying he’d rather spend the day with me and the kids. He had given up his single-mind set for a more mature and responsible family mind set.

It showed both of us how God can change our selfish desires when we submit them to Him.


This is true in so many areas of home and family life. As wives and mothers we are constantly faced with decisions to act like we're still single and childless or act like a mature wife and mother.

For some women this will mean keeping a cleaner house. For others it will mean not obsessing about a meticulous house (an impossibility with small children).

Some women need to quit acting like they're single and become more dependent on their husbands. Others need to be willing to take some responsibility off their husband’s shoulders.

These are only a few examples of ways that we can act like we're single and neglect our responsibilities in our home and marriage. But when we take the right steps to change and give up our "single ways" to Him, He not only strengthens our character, He changes our desires.

Have you seen this play out in your marriage or your life? Leave a comment and tell me about it!

P.S. Now that we are empty-nesters, my husband has taken up golf again, but he is very balanced in his approach to it.


I was inspired by a similar story called Giving Up Good Things by Elizabeth at Warrior Wives. Why don't you check it out for some additional thoughts on this subject. I know you'll enjoy it.

21 comments:

  1. Funny, I was reading this thinking, "I can relate to this...it sounds like that post I wrote about soccer". And then I saw that you linked to me. Thanks! And that's a great point about how not giving up things when you're married is acting like you can still live independently. Recipe for disaster.

    Elizabeth@Warrior Wives

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    1. I hope you don't mind, Elizabeth. I left a comment on your post telling you I was linking it. When I read your great post it brought up so many similar things in my own life and I felt like I needed to write them down but wanted to give you credit for inspiring me and also wanted others to read your great post because you have good insights I don't. Bless you!

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  2. I like you balanced look at things. It took a few years after we were married to finally get the 'team mentality.' For me, I had to jump in and shoulder lots of responsibilities. My hubby travels extensively for work and if we are to have any fun time on the weekends, I have to do some things on his list (car maintained, yard work, etc). Our compromise on the golf thing was that I went WITH him (once the kids were at an age they could stay home alone). It was a win-win.

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    1. Sounds like you worked it out a great way, Pearl. Each couple is a little different.

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  3. Great blog post! I came over from the Linkup on Better Mom. Great to meet you!

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    1. Great to meet you too, Tricia. Thanks for stopping by.

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  4. I can echo your story :) Love how God can change our hearts. Yesterday I offered my husband a rare round of golf and he had to think long and hard if he wanted to give up the family day. In the end, he took 3 of our 5 kids and called it a gift:) Coming here from Ann's today.

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  5. I can relate to this in a way. My husband doesn't do golf but he does crossfit workouts (5x a week) and trains for triathlons. He has multiple workouts going on almost every day. We have an infant right now, and we're starting to talk about having more children. He's afraid to jump in and have more children because it will take away from his workout time. I know it's important, because he has a stressful job, and he needs some time to destress by himself. And it's a healthy destresser! I am not sure what to do in this area. He's a wonderful dad and I feel sometimes like he is being selfish, but at the same time I want to support his passions. It's sort of mixed up in my head right now.

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    1. These decisions can be complex...not always cut and dry. I pray God will give your husband a balance. I know God has a good plan...it's just that finding it that can be challenging at times when there's so many factors involved and we aren't sure which are selfish and which are not. Bless you as you work through this.

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  6. I find that both my husband and myself can spend so much time on our computers that we don't share the joys and trials of our days and just enjoy the presence of each other. His daytime job requires hours of computer time and he teaches online in the evenings, I have blog-related work as well as my writing. We have to be intentional in taking time off our computers.

    Important wisdom here today!

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    1. Yes, Pamela, I understand that. Since we are semi-retired empty nesters and God has placed me in blogging ministry at this time in my life, I too can get so absorbed in my computer that conversation takes a back seat. It hits me almost every day and I try to set the computer aside for a while and ask my husband questions about his day and feelings. It seems like everything that has a good application can also have a bad one.

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  7. I can totally relate to this! My husband has many hobbies and I often feel like those take precedence over me and the kids. We've had lots of talks but unfortunately, I always take the backseat. I keep telling myself that it is just a season...wishful thinking?

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    1. Deanna, as I write this I pray that your husband will gradually become less interested in his hobbies and more eager to spend time with you and your children. And I pray that you will have wisdom to know when/what to say to him. Bless you! Gail

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  8. Great Post! You can never be encouraged enough in your role as a mommy or a daddy. We all need to be better than we are, and pray that God will carry us there!

    Lindsey @ www.roadto31.blogspot.com

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  9. Very wise words, Gail.

    I think that too often men and women come to marriage unprepared for the level of sacrifice truly needed. That is not to say that they need to lay any hope for self happiness at the door. Instead, I see it as an opportunity for husbands and wives to serve one another joyfully and fully rather than serving themselves.

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  10. I think you just summarized my last year with my husband! God has done so much to change both of our perspectives on what's important for our family! Thank you for sharing on NOBH!
    Love and God Bless,
    Christy

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  11. Great post! And very true. I think maybe I need to shoulder more of the responsibilities. It is difficult but I just need to do it.

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  12. So true! I try to be mindful of this when it comes to making plans. I can't assume that if something works out for me, it'll be good for my husband. I was reminded of this last week when I made what seemed to me liked small plans w/o talking it over to my husband. My husband had a different point of view. :/ thanks for sharing!

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