For years I was a “speck-finder”—a Pharisee who went beyond Scripture by creating impossible rules, regulations, and expectations for my parents.
Modern psychology has encouraged us to blame others, especially parents, for our insecurities, failures, weaknesses and sins.
In fact, we usually get so busy evaluating, psychoanalyzing, and judging our parents that we overlook our own mistakes and sinful behavior toward our parents.
Worst of all, we dishonor our Perfect Parent when we ignore the fifth command.
This command:
- Is one of the Father’s “Top Ten” (Exodus 20:12).
- Is a New Testament command (Ephesians 6:2-3).
- Has no age limit or excuse attached.
- Includes a wonderful promise for those who honor their parents.
“First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your [parent's] eye.” Matthew 7:5 (paraphrased)
May we ask God's help in doing this!
© copyright Gail Burton Purath, 2011
Some additional resources that will help you learn how to honor your parents:
4 Ways to Honor Parents by Dennis Rainey
Honoring Difficult Parents by Sabrina Beasley McDonald
Adults and the Fifth Commandment by Gail Purath
Honoring Your Parents: Are You Helping or Hindering Your Spouse? by Dennis Rainey
God Didn't Ask the Impossible, only the Incredibly Difficult - an article written from a Jewish perspective with good thoughts for the Christian as well.
Note:
This devotion does not address children who have been physically or
sexually abused by parents. They must seek godly Christian counsel in
handling their relationship with their parents.
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Bible Love Notes
I had to severe connections with my mom and two siblings because they were abusive toward me. I see no reason to continue to subject myself to their verbal assaults, dismissive attitudes and demeaning hurtful actions. My two siblings are not believers but my mom is. I cannot associate with them any more, but I do continue to pray for them always and choose to forgive them for their behavior and words. But that is as far as I will go.
ReplyDeleteHi Soteriagal,
DeleteIt is very rare that God would actually lead a Christian to severe connections with their mother and siblings, especially with their Christian mother.
Our modern culture believes that we have a God-given right to be treated carefully and respectfully by everyone, but Scripture says:
Romans 12:14-21: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
If we can't do these type of things with the family God gave us, then we will never experience the blessings and purposes God has for us.
“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
The article about the difficult father (in the Jewish site "Aish") was very helpful for me. Thank you for posting it. It underlined what I have been thinking about and attempting to do with my own father. I shall keep it up as I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel! As long as we stay away from politics!
ReplyDeleteSo I definitely struggle with this, and have struggled with returning the struggle with my parents with evil, but, I do wonder, to what degree is a person supposed to "let in" anyone in their lives who is not in the faith, and perhaps struggling with mental illness/actively struggling with demonic curses? In the case where someone's parent is called "poison" by numerous outsiders to the point where they live in total isolation and are in constant contention with everyone in their lives - how close is the adult child supposed to remain in a situation where, perhaps, the parent has even openly identified as having a current and malignant mental illness, especially if the adult child has children of their own and the parent is aggressively atheistic and willing to engage in manipulation to try to get the children to violate the parent's beliefs? I saw you use the example of how we try to engage even random strangers who are in sin in the effort to evangelize, with the implication that this same sort of charity should be extended to parents first, as would be natural - but, suppose the random stranger wound up having severe mental health issues - would a person with children actively continue to be around them - would boundaries at no point be a godly response, while praying and interceding for the person? I agree that bitterness isn't good - but what about situations where there aren't just past specs but active aggression and continual cruelty - is it truly profitable to just put oneself out there for the next round of stuff? What about circumstances where absence of boundaries just emboldens worse and worse behavior - as in cases of extreme narcissism?
ReplyDeleteI am trying to move away from blaming my parents for problems in my life, and to give godly reverence to them, despite the problems that we face. My parents worked very hard to get us out of poverty, to give us the best of what they could offer, and to make a way for what they truly thought was valuable - economic advancement. They were very involved parents, though sadly the Lord wasn't in our home, and there was open atheism - and mockery of God.
My response to them wasn't good or godly either: I should have shown respect and politeness even in the face of this behavior, and their incapacity to love me due to their mental illness / generational curse / abandonment of God.
However, I guess my question remains - I think I would have been able to do all that much better had someone cautioned me not to seek validation or to interact with my parents in a parent-child way, but rather as a polite person keeping a guarded distance emotionally. Is this approach...what they call, I think "gray rock" - dishonoring intrinsically? Is keeping one's emotions private where there has been past hurt and making oneself present, but "invulnerable" considered an abdication of child respectfulness?
This has currently been my only approach. My parents are too broken at this point to have healthy relationships - with anyone. I do understand how this came to be - they came from a horrifically abusive Communist system that stole away from them their ability to have a godly inheritance. I do forgive everything and ask God to forgive me for my own inability to respond correctly.
But I am also aware, I feel very strongly, that not being in Christ and being in this near demonized state, that the devil works easily through them, almost using them as mouthpieces to direct extremely, extremely vicious attacks.
Is it wrong to say "we can only visit for limited periods of time" given this, because relationships always break down after a few days?
My siblings seem to take this approach, and are just unavailable the rest of the year, and they are very careful not to make themselves emotionally available or to give any personal information in conversation, but they do show up with the children for yearly visits.
Is this considered honoring enough or does there have to be some kind of emotional vulnerability?
Hi Alice, I can't begin to fully understand your situation, so I cannot give you specific advice. I think it's good that you are seeking to forgive your parents and refusing to completely cut them off. As you seek God, I believe He will give you specific guidance. I've prayed for your situation.
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