Boundaries: Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

Reviewing Boundaries website teachings and comparing them with Scripture. 

For an introduction and review of the Boundaries online teachings, see Are Henry Cloud's Boundaries Teachings Biblical?

We're all dysfunctional.

We don’t need to spend too many minutes on the Boundaries site before realizing that the authors believe their readers are all victims of dysfunctional families. Apparently, only the innocent read Boundaries books and articles. 

They're all honest and humble and their problems are the fault of family members who aren't as honest and humble as they are. And the answer is always a boundary. 

The power of suggestion is potent.

Cloud’s first line in How to Set Boundaries Within a Dysfunctional Family is: “Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist with your parents and siblings.” 

This statement appeals to immature and selfish people. We'd much rather blame-shift than take responsibility for our sins. Pointing fingers is easier than obeying the instructions in Romans 12:17-21:

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

In rare situations boundaries are right.

If we’re talking about violent, criminal, or drug-addicted family members, “boundaries” would be necessary. 

But most people reading Boundaries articles are simply dealing with difficult, annoying, or negative family members. And very often, they are the difficult, annoying, negative family member themselves. 

Cloud occasionally uses Scripture, such as when he tells readers to take the log out of their eye (Matthew 7:1-5). But his definition of a log is not the definition in Scripture.

Matthew 7 warns against judgmental, hypocritical attitudes toward others. Cloud believes the “logs” in his readers' eyes is their failure to set up boundaries: “See yourself as the problem and find your boundary violations.”

Cloud's Freudian beliefs are present in many of his explanations: “You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, approved of, or accepted.”

The Bible never blames our problems on others. It tells us that we are born with a sin nature and we're responsible for our choices (James 1:13-15).

Cloud tells readers to “avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.” But he often uses words like abuse and control to define normal relationship differences, not actual abuse or control. For further proof of exaggerated descriptions in Boundaries teachings, see Are there Really Just 3 Types of People?

Cloud's explanations are filled with contradictions:

✔ “It is good to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice.” 

✔ “Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness...Let go of the dysfunctional family you came from.”

Blaming our family for our problems and setting up boundaries to protect ourselves from difficult relationships rarely flows from self-denial and forgiveness. More often it flows from pride and bitterness.

As one writer described it: “In today’s environment, where pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps narratives predominate, therapists have become the new high priests providing moral legitimacy to decisions about whom to keep or lose in one’s life, parents included… This perspective – with roots not only in Sigmund Freud, but John Locke and Jean-Jacques Rousseau – implies that the self is born in an exemplary state, free of weaknesses or shortcomings.” (source)

Cloud recommends boundaries to deal with manipulative family members, but boundaries can end up being the most manipulative aspect of the relationship.

Let's replace "boundaries" truths with Bible truths.

Philippians 2:3-5: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."  

Let's look at the example of Joseph who forgave and refused to set up boundaries against his evil brothers because he knew this truth: 

Genesis 50:19-20: "But Joseph said to them, 'Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.'"  

Whether intentional or not, boundaries teachings often puts their readers in the place of God, judging others for their failures instead of seeking to grow and mature in relationship skills. Instead of believing God can help us deal with difficult relationships, Boundaries teaches that boundaries are the solution to most relationship problems. 

Note: Unless otherwise indicated, quotes come from How to Set Boundaries Within a Dysfunctional Family. 

For a collection of helpful articles about specific Boundaries errors in their teachings about marriage, family, and church relationships, see Are Boundaries Biblical Collection.

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