I married my husband when I was nineteen and not yet a Christian. My reasons for falling in love were pretty "secular": I enjoyed his personality, I was physically attracted to him, I felt comfortable with him and liked how he treated me.
We've been married since September 5, 1970, so I suppose it's too late to ask:
Did I marry the wrong person?
There are many of you out there just like me. You married your husband for worldly reasons. So what does that mean? Could you have married the wrong man? Is there someone out there whom God intended for you? Should you look for him?
I found a quote that has a wonderful answer to this question:
“Although you do want to marry someone you are basically compatible with, marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right person than it has to do with doing the right things with the person you married.”
I might reword this: A healthy marriage has more to do with being the right person than marrying the right person.
Many people make foolish decisions about marriage.
Before we're married, we should do everything we can to avoid a bad match. It's better to remain single than marry a partner who is ungodly. Christians should never, under any conditions, marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14; widows: 1 Corinthians 7:39).
But once we are married, we need to quit asking that question. No good comes from it.
But great good comes from asking God to make us "the right person" for our spouse.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22,23
This week...this day...have you been showing love, joy, peace, forbearance (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to your spouse? Are there areas where you need to improve? Ask God for help!
Final thought:
What if you give it your best, and your spouse never changes? Are you free to move on and find another spouse? Honestly, it is a very rare situation for someone to give it their best without seeing some improvement, but there are two important things to remember:
1. Changes take time. We shouldn't expect a "quick-fix." Scripture encourages us to persevere. See Galatians 6:9 and Hebrews 12:1-4.
2. Marriage is a commitment we made before God (Mark 10:9). Even if our spouse never becomes the person we want him/her to be, we can become the person God wants us to be. See Romans 5:3-5 and James 1:12.
I think the notion that people have soul-mates is a huge factor in divorce. People get married and at the first sign of trouble think, "Oh no I missed my chance, this isn't my soul mate, he must still be out there somewhere"
ReplyDeleteYes, soul-mates are gained by walking, together, through trials...not by "discovery."
DeleteOur society has a huge misconception of this notion.
so true!
ReplyDeleteI really needed to read this. I've been struggling with this in my own life.
ReplyDeleteI like this~ as a single mom trying to not marry the wrong man, I sometimes wonder if there is a right man~ and ~ am I really the right woman for any man?
ReplyDeleteThere really is this huge misconception that everyone has a "soul-mate." I think Hollywood or Satan or both got this myth started! ha! I agree wholeheartedly that it takes being the right person rather than finding the right person. Thanks so much for this encouragement!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree, Beth! We don't "discover" a soul-mate. Rather, we learn to be a soul-mate, as we walk, together, through the trials of life.
DeleteThis is great! I love hearing this kind of perspective shed on marriage, as our culture gets it so backwards. Great point!
ReplyDeleteI think you are right on. Really any non-abusive marriage can work and last if both parties really want it to.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great answer to the age-old question. There are several people I know who are recently divorced and most of them say they married the wrong person. They are blaming their mates for the failure of their marriages without taking responsibility for their part.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, divorce really is the fault of only one party. Sometimes, one partner is doing all they possibly can do, while the other partner simply chooses to be hard-hearted.
DeleteI'm not saying that's the case with your friends...I have no idea whether it is or not.
However, the myth that "divorce is always the fault of both parties" is exactly that...a myth.
Thank you for this post. I needed this as of this moment.
ReplyDeleteA very good, encouraging post, Gail!
ReplyDeleteThank you for exploding our societal myth about the need to "discover" a soul-mate.
Very well said.
ReplyDeleteEven if you married the wrong person, he's the right one now!
Gail, I have such a beautiful love story. I had been single for 13 years after a very bad marriage. I was young, so I dated a lot and for a long time enjoyed being single. After I became a Christian my entire outlook on life and a future with someone changed. I wanted to find someone, get married and live happily ever after. And of course, that is not the way God works. I became engaged to a man who professed to be a Christian. I always felt he considered the church to be his rival. Thank God, for not answering the prayer to help us work it out. He admitted to having never been a Christian. Everything was a lie.Several years passed and I finished a Masters degree and focused on church and career. I wanted to find someone. A friend taught me to be very specific in prayer and ask God for exactly the type of husband I wanted. I made a detailed list and I prayed over it for months and absolutely nothing happened.One night while reading my Bible I asked God why He could create the beauty of rainbows and do all His mighty works and He could not help me find a husband. Talk about being bummed out, I was. More time passed by and finally the fog lifted and I knew what was wrong. I retrieved that list of qualities I wanted in a husband. This time I prayed to be of the woman a man of that caliber would want. This went on for some time. Out of the blue, I met a wonderful man.It was like we jelled immediately. My friends said from the first date we acted as if we had been together a long time. I can say with all certainty God directed our path to each other. He became a member of my church and spent a lot of time with our minister, just clarifying what a Christian marriage should be. We married 6 months after meeting and have been married over 30 years. Our marriage has been much more than I asked God to give me. We have been soul mates, (yes, they do exist) through the years. My heart still skips a beat when my husband comes home. And he is 79 years old and I am almost 70. Because God was the main part of both our lives He brought us together. I still thank God for my husband every time I pray. Don't give up. Maybe you need to be refined a bit before meeting the type of mate you want. I would encourage you to pray for your future husband or wife, even though you haven't met. Maybe he or she needs to be refined before God brings you together. Pray! Don't be cynical. It can happen to anyone, if it is in God's will. The wait will seem like it was nothing, because God in control.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful testimony, Jennifer. My story isn't quite the same as yours, but I can definitely identify with the part about finding my soul mate. God makes all the difference, for sure!!
DeleteI love your site. 💕 Thank you for all your help throughout the years.
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