Don’t Freak Out About Your Marriage

In my marriage post Why the Divorce Rate in 1900 Was Only 7%, I explained that most marriages go through periods when love grows lukewarm, when we need to adjust our attitudes so our marriages can thrive.

A young woman left this comment on that post:
“Hi, young wife here, can you describe the periods of lukewarm in your marriage? It kinda freaks me out! Thanks, great post.”

I thought others might also be freaked out by this revelation, especially young marrieds, so I decided to address her question in this post.

1. Not all marriages have to suffer through “lukewarm” periods if spouses are deliberately and continually working on improving their marriages and continually dealing with their sins and selfishness. But most of us are not that good. 

2. All things worthwhile take work, improvement, and readjustment. Feeling lukewarm about your marriage isn’t cause to freak out. In fact, thinking your marriage should always be romantic will give you unrealistic expectations and set you up for deeper disappointment.

3. Beware of certain times in life:

• Transitions— deaths, births, job changes, empty nest, retirement, etc. Transitions are typically “messy.” If you expect this, you won’t be surprised by it. It’s best to look at these times as Opportunities with Thorns. The empty nest was our most difficult time in our marriage. I’d let my children become too important in my life, and without realizing it, my husband and I had grown apart. Those early years of our empty nest were difficult, but we “reinvented” our relationship and it became better than ever before.

• Menopause--Beware of this time, ladies. And be extra gentle and understanding, men. I went through a premature menopause in my 30’s and it created lots of challenges. Make sure you educate yourself about the symptoms and treatments.

• Health changes--Chronic illness and serious illness create new challenges in a marriage.

• Aging--It's natural to tire more easily as we age. We don’t have the same mental or physical agility, and we need to give each other lots of grace.

But the most important thing we need to know about these lukewarm periods is they need not define our marriage. 

They will be temporary if both spouses want the marriage to improve. And the reason I know this is true: because God wants us to have good marriages and He will give us the strength and wisdom to do what it takes. 

We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13)

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