Denying Submission

This article goes into necessary detail to refute the non-biblical beliefs in the Boundaries teaching about submission. If you would rather see a short summary, please scroll down to the conclusion.

The Boundaries article What Biblical Submission in a marriage really means begins with this disclaimer: “What follows is not a full treatise on submission, but some general issues you should keep in mind.”

Sadly, the conclusions of the article contradict what Scripture teaches. 

There's no such thing as "mutual submission"

First the author claims that “both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission, not just wives.”  This is an increasingly popular belief that is often presented by taking Ephesians 5:21 out of context.

Let's look at the full passage and see what it actually says:

Ephesians 5:21-24: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

If submission applied equally in all relationships, verses 22-23 would not give specific instructions to wives.  

The meaning of Ephesians 5:21 submission

Ephesians 5:21 addresses the type of submission that all Christians must have. It's a general consideration of others (Philippians 2:1-5), and a willingness to honor authority in the church, at work, in the government, and in certain organizations (Romans 13:1-10; Hebrews 13:7).  

Ephesians 5:21 doesn't mean that everyone submits equally to everyone else because "mutual submission" is impossible. Submission means yielding to someone and letting them take authority. It's impossible for two people to mutually yield to each other, both being in submission and both being in authority. That's why leadership is a normal, healthy part of life and a normal, healthy part of marriage. 

Is submission an optional choice?

Boundaries author John Townsend goes on to say: “Submission is always the free choice of one party to another. Wives choose to submit to their husbands, and husbands choose to submit to their wives.” 

Errors in this statement:

✔ Scripture never speaks of husbands submitting to their wives. Never. 

✔ Scripture speaks of a wife's submission and commands wives to submit in multiple passages: Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6; Titus 2:3-5; 1 Corinthians 11:13; 1 Timothy 2:11-14. This is not a vague Bible concept.

✔ As I explained above, mutual submission is an oxymoron, an impossibility. 

✔ Obeying God "is always the free choice of one party." But it's the only right choice.

Is submission dependent on a Christ-like husband?

But Townsend goes further off track claiming "Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband's relationship with his wife similar to Christ's relationship with the church?"

If submission were dependent on our husband's behavior being like Christ's, then no wife would have to submit because the best of husbands are imperfect.

A wife should not agree to ungodly requests from her husband because Colossians 3:18 explains that wives submit "as is fitting in the Lord." If we're submitting to please the Lord, we won't violate His commands in the process.

However, Scripture does not make submission dependent on the husband's godliness. The Bible commands wives to submit to husbands who aren't even saved:

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1 Peter 3:1-2

In 1 Peter 3:1-7 wives are commanded to be reverent and submissive and husbands are commanded to love and protect their wives. If we follow Townsend's reasoning about wives only submitting when husbands are Christlike, it would be logical to say that husbands need not love or protect their wives unless their wives are fully reverent and submissive. But neither of these conclusions is biblical.

Townsends view of "under the law"

Townsend goes on to explain that a woman must have free choice not to submit to her husband or she is simply "a slave 'under the law.'" 

Let's apply this to other commands: children must be free to disobey parents or they are simply slaves under the law. Husbands must have free choice to be unfaithful to their wives or they are simply slaves under the law. 

This statement makes no sense, and it's not clear what point Townsend is trying to make.

Being under the law means obeying Old Testament laws that were fulfilled in Christ and no longer applicable to Christians. Submission does not apply to this definition because it is a New Testament, New Covenant command. We obey New Testament commands out of love for our Lord and trust in His wisdom to know what is best for us. 

Townsend's use of this phrase isn't biblically accurate. He seems to be defining "under the law" as an emotion or feeling. If a wife has "all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation," then the husband has placed her under the law. 

Townsend references Romans 4:15 and Galatians 5:4 which address salvation by faith and have nothing to do with feelings, relationships, emotions, or marriage. These passages warn against the belief that the law can save us. Unless a woman believes that submission saves her soul, these verses don't apply.

Furthermore, Christian obedience is never based on our unreliable emotions and feelings. In fact, negative feelings can be warnings that we've sinned (2 Corinthians 7:10).

Boundaries teachings use multiple Scripture references, but many of them are used out of context and misapplied. See Boundaries Unscriptural Foundation.

Can husbands wash their wives of guilt?

Townsend then compares the husband to Christ in ways never intended in Scripture, claiming a husband must offer his wife freedom, grace, unconditional love, and no condemnation, washing his wife of "all guilt." 

Claiming that a husband can wash his wife of all guilt is as wrong as claiming that the husband can send his wife to hell if she doesn't trust in him. If Townsend is talking about a husband removing his wife's feelings of guilt, that also is beyond his scope. "All guilt" includes healthy and unhealthy guilt. See Shame, Guilt, Conviction.

Townsend compares the husband to Christ in inappropriate ways.

In addition, 1 Peter 3:1-2 tells wives to submit to unsaved husbands, and an unsaved husband cannot be Christ-like. Submission isn't dependent on our husband's character. It's dependent on our character as wives. 

Submission isn't slavery, it's equality

Submission allows us to discuss, disagree and respectfully debate decisions with our husband. But in the end, we trust God by submitting to our husbands.

If our husband tells us to do something against God's law, we don't submit because God is our highest authority (Colossians 3:18). If our husbands are doing ungodly things that are hurting our family, we confront them and seek help for them.  But aside from ungodly requests, we let our husband lead even when he makes mistakes. He isn't perfect, nor are we.

This Boundaries teachings contradicts 1 Peter 3:5-6:

"This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do." 

Abraham wasn't perfect. Our husbands aren't perfect. But God, who commands us to submit, is perfect.

Read about the way one wife submitted to her husband's unreasonable request and built a bridge instead of a boundary in Speak Your Mind Even if You Lose Your Marriage.

Are men who quote Ephesians 5 slave drivers?

I'm surprised at the bias in Townsend's statements like this one: "Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting." 

I'm also surprised at the narrow scope of Townsend's experiences when he says: “I have never seen a 'submission problem' that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries in marriage, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior.”  (underlining mine)

Since Townsend believes most men who quote Ephesians 5 want to enslave their wives, it's not hard to see why he believes all submission problems are the fault of the controlling husband. His bias in this area disqualifies him from speaking on the subject.

In addition, it always comes back to the secular psychology of boundaries.

When Townsend enables wives to reject the principle of submission, he contradicts both Scripture and experience. 

I've led women's Bible studies for over 45 years, and based on my first-hand experiences with scores of Christian women and based on my own experiences, I can testify that many women struggle with submission even when our husbands are godly and reasonable. 

Do some men abuse the concept of submission? Yes. And so do some women. In fact, none of us do it perfectly. We all mess up at times. But our failures don't make God's design any less relevant or healthy.

I can speak as an "authority" in this area because I've been married to the same man for over 50 years, and I became a Christian before he did, so I first learned to submit to a non-believer and since then I've learned to submit imperfectly to a godly but imperfect husband. 

Conclusion:

Townsend's conclusions about submission are neither Scriptural nor logical. Mutual submission is an oxymoron, an impossibility, and it is certainly not promoted in Scripture.

Townsend claims that submission is a choice, not a command, and a wife only needs to submit if a husband is a good reflection of Christ. Townsend goes so far as to claim that a husband should wash his wife of all guilt as Christ does. This is not only a misunderstanding of submission; it's a misunderstanding of the Gospel. 

Furthermore, Townsend says the wife decides whether her husband is worthy based on her feelings and emotions.

Besides ignoring multiple passages and using a few passages that don't apply, Townsend expresses great bias against any husband who quotes the passage on submission. His article promotes his boundaries teachings, but shows a complete misunderstanding of biblical submission.

If you want to see how this plays out in Boundaries teachings, I recommend you see my review of the Boundaries article Speak Your Mind Even if You Lose Your Marriage.

Townsend's bias and misunderstanding of the gospel clearly disqualifies him from speaking about the benefits, growth, and maturity that God offers through the concept of biblical submission. If you genuinely want to understand the beauty of biblical submission, don’t trust Boundaries, trust your Bible. 

(1) The views in this article come from Chapter 9 of the book Boundaries "Boundaries and Your Spouse."

Here are some articles that teach the truth about biblical submission:

An Army Wife’s View of Submission

Privilege, Responsibility, and Influence in Marriage 

Discovering an important benefit of submission that many women overlook. 

Is Submission Cultural? No! 

 

Is Submission Degrading to Women? No! 

 

Was Submission Paul's Idea? No!

 

Why Mutual Submission Is Impossible. 

Nancy Le DeMoss: What Submission Means, podcast with transcript.

Focus on the Family: Submission of Wives to Husbands

Ligonier Ministries: The Beauty of Submission in Marriage

For a collection of helpful articles about specific Boundaries errors in their teachings about marriage, family, and church relationships, see Are Boundaries Biblical Collection.