Giving Parents Too Much Credit or Blame

I read this quote on Pinterest:  

"Your child will follow your example, not your advice."

It's true that our example speaks louder than our words, but the conclusion of the quote is wrong.

Sometimes our children will follow neither our example nor our advice.  

If we believe otherwise, we're putting too much faith in our parenting.

Some of the problem comes from people misusing Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

People misuse this proverb 2 ways:
1. To promise that godly parents will have godly children.
2. To blame parents for ungodly adult children.

The book of Proverbs describes its purpose as a book of wisdom sayings, not a book of promises (Proverbs 1:1-6).*

This doesn't mean Proverbs isn't God's Word. It is.  But just as portions of Scripture are poetry and narration, metaphor and simile, Proverbs are wisdom sayings, not promises. As described on Bible.org: "These short, pithy observations on life are generalizations and thus not intended to be taken as divine promises or without exception."

If Proverbs were promises, all godly people would be wealthy and live long, healthy lives (Proverbs10:22,27). To believe that you must delete large portions of Scripture and take other verses out of context (see Pieces Parts).

I misunderstood this truth for years, and it made me one of three things:

• Self-righteous about my children's good choices.
• Confused by their questionable choices.
• Guilt-ridden by their bad choices.

I had to learn that God has children; He doesn't have grandchildren. 

Fifteen years ago, most of my homeschooling peers believed as I did--that we had the secret to successful child-rearing. But over the years, I've seen many of these godly parents disappointed by their adult children's choices. If our children turn out well, we tend to become judgmental and self-righteous. If not, we tend to wallow in self-blame and feel God has let us down.

The self-righteous do the most harm because they become "Job's friends" to those who are hurting.

Our culture encourages adult children to blame their parents for their failures and parents often accept that blame. But it's not Biblical. The Bible teaches that we're responsible to God for how we parent, but we are not responsible for our children's adult choices. 

"The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them." Ezekiel 18:20 
 

When our children are in our home, we can/should teach and enforce appropriate behavior, but when they become adults, they will make their own choices.

Unless you are ready to believe that every true believer will be healthy and wealthy (which means you must judge the Apostles and many missionaries for their lack of faith), then you need to quit believing Proverbs 22:6 is a promise. 

Be the best parent you can be and take neither credit nor blame for your children's choices. Instead, thank God when they choose holiness and pray when they don't.

* For additional information on this subject:
Christianity Today: The Myth of the Perfect Parent 
John Piper's Website: Parents Beware.